I wish I knew

I just don't know what's going on with me lately I've been in such a horrible frame of mind. I don't get it I have a wonderful son, the best friends anyone could wish for, A great career, I'm back in the gym working out and eating right I've lost 13.5lbs in 2 weeks. Yet I'm completely lost.

So I ran in to a friend of mine that I haven't seen in quite a few months me and this person dated a bit and we became really close for a while. We're a lot alike same age, divorced, have children, we understand each other. I was ready to give this person everything I am I can honestly say I loved her 1st person I have feelings like that for since I got divorced 8 years ago and this is the 1st time I've said that out loud. It was really good to see her it was hard for me though as her boyfriend was there no jealousy because we were never really together, just awkward. She hugs me we give each other a mutual kiss kinda half on the cheek half on the mouth. It was like there was no time lost between us. It just hard for me all these feelings come rushing to the surface then I'm wrecked for the rest of the night and the next week until I let it out.

I think the problem is that I don't have anyone to have these conversations with. So I've started blogging and bearing my feelings anonymously.

Online Dating?

Actually dating in general. Why is it so hard in this town?

It's rather comical to read all the profiles on dating sites and believe me I've read a lot. I've been on and off of match.com for it seems like forever now, and every profile seems to be just about the same. They all seem to have that "dance like no one is looking" quote, I'm hot & sexy (look at me in my underwear pics), I'm not a club girl (Half their pics are from Spyonvegas) I promise I'm not crazy, or I'm looking for a nice / normal guy, and some have all of these. Every person wants someone who makes 100k+ a year is over 6' tall and athletic and toned. Really?

Don't get me wrong I'm not judging it's just comical to me.

I am in no way perfect I put the fun in dysfunctional, I'm 33 divorced been single since the divorce 8 years ago. I've dated plenty just haven't found anyone that clicks, my ex is one of my best friends, I'm a large animal as I like to describe myself but I'm not lazy or a slob I go to the gym 4-5 days a week, eat healthy, I'm just a big guy, and I'm emotionally constipated. I'm one the nicest guys you'll ever meet, A great Father to my son, fiercely loyal, protective of the people I let in my life (not jealous don't confuse the 2) and most importantly not a douche bag. I'm in no way saying I haven't done douchie things in my life, we all have I just try and learn from them and not do them again.

Maybe the problem is that their are so many douche bags in this town that are only looking for a notch in their headboard. You know these people claim to be something their not just to try and impress someone, because their so insecure with their actual life that they can't be honest about who and what they are.

There is a profile an attractive woman has up and the pic is of her and her dog it's a cute pic. Her headline reads "I'm not a fat girl hiding behind my dog". Douche bags in this town actually email this obviously attractive woman and ask if she is a fat girl hiding behind her dog!! WTF!!!

I'm an open book ask me a question and I will answer it openly and honestly. There are things that I might skirt around, but that is because some things are way too personal to be let out, call it a demon or whatever but I will tell you it is something I'm not comfortable talking about. I'm not going to lie or exaggerate the truth about who or what I am to make someone like me. I am who I am take it or leave it.

This is my view on the subject.

It's my 1st blog be gentle.

So I decided to do this because I have a lot of stuff in my head and need to clear it out. Like most guys I'm emotionally constipated, but unlike most I will admit it. I have a real hard time expressing myself unless I've had a few drinks and then it's like a laxative and it all just comes out, usually this happens about every six months or so. Normally it's to a female friend who I have serious feelings for. There must be some reason I can't seem to express myself to them sober. (could be I'm a pussy)? Then I always feel bad that I laid it all out there in an inebriated state, it's not fair to her or me. Part of the problem is I'm actually pretty shy but nobody ever believes that because I have these walls built up around me so no one really gets to see inside. The crazy thing is I do sales for a living and I'm damn good at it I can talk to anyone about anything, but make it a woman and I have feelings for her my mind goes blank and I'm grasping for words. It's fricken ridiculous. Anyway like I said I started this to clear out my head so I'll be talking about anything it could be more like this, what me and my friends did over the weekend, my trip home to see my son, dating in this town we call sin city, It will be my view on all these and anything else I can think of. If someone reads this i hope you enjoy it and let me know the good and the bad.